you just keep me hanging on...

he does just enough to keep me hanging on...

my life right now:

H u L a 964 (3:45:05 PM): so lost.H u L a 964 (3:45:13 PM): i feel like i should call him and talk this to death
The Mantzipator4 (3:45:53 PM): can't hurt to try...worst that will happen is he'll just keep saying the same things, and you'll realize the relationship is hopeless
H u L a 964 (3:46:03 PM): i feel pretty hopeless
The Mantzipator4 (3:46:08 PM): NO
The Mantzipator4 (3:46:11 PM): you're not hopeless
The Mantzipator4 (3:46:12 PM): HE IS
H u L a 964 (3:46:13 PM): thing is WE JUST DID THIS TWO WEEKS AGO.

i just bought...

a domain name. i have no idea what to do with it (yet) but i want opinions. if you think its dumb, say so... i'll only be out $8.

www.thejerseygirl.org

because i'm technologically challenged...

i typed out the entire entry (which i'm about to cut and paste) out on my crackberry at about midnight last night while the boy was in the shower. i couldn't figure out how to mobile blog, so i just emailed it to myself. my day today was equally as good as my night last night, things just might be looking up... (notice all the proper capitalization! crackberry curve does it FOR me. what will they think of next!?)


Have you ever found yourself in a moment where you wished time could
just stand still? Where you wanted nothing more for things to stay
just as they are in that very second? Yeah, I just had one of those.

For the first time in a long time, I got steve to open up a little and
talk to me... With all the uncertainty looming ahead, I needed
something to keep me focused on the destination, not the journey that
lies in between. Tonight, he was able to give that to me, and I'm
stunned.

See, steve plays everything off like he's this hard ass. He's not,
and more often than not I call him out on it... Its just how we do.
Tonight he admitted he was scared. He told me he wanted to take care
of me. Told me that he wants to start socking money away as much as he
possibly can so that I have plenty for the time he's gone and he won't
have to worry. He talked about getting married and how he looked
foreword to getting old with me. (Something he's never, everrrr said to
me).

Part of me is still hoping that this is some sort of sick joke... That
I'm going to wake up one morning and its going to be a dream. The part
of me that has been scared shitless? Well, that part is starting to
get a little excited about what the future might hold for us.
Hopefully its something good.

we will resume our regulalrly scheduled programming tomorrow...

for now, my lovely readers... i'm presenting you today, with a guest post of sorts. (also, it kind of takes the attention off of me and my shitty nothing can just fucking go right situation right now.) my best friend in the whole world needs your help. she's pretty much the only one in my real life that knows i have a blog and has actually seen it, so that should tell you something. i've been trying to convince her to get her to start her own blog for a while now, just because... well, because.

ANYWAY, the preamble: she is running into a huge problem with her roommates and needs advice. as a person that still lives at home and has never been in a situation like this, the advice i can give is limited. basically, they eat all of her food and never pay their share of the bills on time and in full. she cooked dinner last night for her, her bf and a friend without informing them about it or inviting them to it and they just came out, grabbed plates and helped themselves. they don't feel like they should pay for dish network because they never wanted it in the first place... things like that. it's a mess and all she wants to do (knowing her) is get angry and just start separating things. i ask, is there a way to do this, keep the peace and save a friendship? here's what she had to say about it... (take note of how she properly capitalizes everything. i can't bring myself to hit the shift key that much in one day. you guys love me anyway, right?)

Guest Blog Appearance!

Hello Rachel's friends! I made a guest appearance a while back, and it is that time again. In case you are new, Rachel and I have been friends forever. I am just as cool (if not cooler) than she is. My name is Maureen, I also go by Mo in her blog I think. You've seen the crazy stories :-)

I am on my knees and at your mercy. I need help with a VERY sticky situation.

Background: I live with my wonderful boyfriend Jerry. We moved in together about a year and a half ago. Our lease ended at a horrific apartment complex that could only qualify as the ghetto of Deptford. (Not to offend anyone that lives or has lived in the ghetto, you know. It's just not my cup of tea...)We had the BRILLIANT idea to shack up with one of Jerry's friends from grade school, Lindsey, and her boyfriend Mike. We hung out with them frequently. They were nice, fun, shared our interests...everything seemed too good to be true.

Well it was. Right before we were set to sign the lease, I lost my job. My company was sold, and more than half the employees were let go. No biggie, we had savings, Jerry has a good job. No problem. As a result of my not working, I cleaned a lot. I cooked dinner 4 or 5 nights a week for all of us. I did the shopping, everything. You do not know me, but I am a pushover. I am non-confrontational with people I'm not comfortable with, especially roommates. So, for more than 2 months, I did the shopping and the cooking for all 4 of us, without ever being offered a penny.

Fast forward to February. I got a job, so I stopped shopping as much and cooking as much. Mind you, I still went to the store at least once a week, and cooked at least 2-3 times a week. Still, not a penny was offered. Life continued like this for weeks. Me shopping, spending my money, to support my roomates.

Fast forward to last Monday. Jerry had shoulder surgery, which prevents him from going to work for at least 6 weeks. He is not allowed to move his left arm, he's not allowed to drive, not allowed to be very active while his shoulder heals. I asked my roommates to sit down with us Saturday so we could talk. I told them we could no longer afford to support them (i.e. shopping for all the food, cooking, cleaning). They agreed, apologized, offered excuses as to why they haven't offered money (Lindsey was in school and only working part-time, Mike's paychecks got messed up and he didn't get one for a few weeks). Throughout the whole time we've lived together, on nights that I don't cook, they go out to eat. Whether they order sandwiches, chinese, go out to restaurants, they spend money on food every night that I don't cook for them. This apparently prevented them from paying April's bills on time. Last night (May 19) I finally got money from them for bills. April's bills, not May's bills.

So, I need advice. How should I go about the whole food situation? My idea is to designate specific cabinets per couple, and everyone buys their own food. Jerry doesn't like that idea, he thinks we should hoard everything we buy in our bedroom. The current method (I buy, they eat) can not continue. I don't trust them to give me money every time I go shopping, and frankly, I'm a little tired of doing all the shopping for them. I'm not their mother, and they should not depend on me for anything.

edit: from maureen: can you ask if anyone has actually BEEN in a situation like this, and what they did? I'd like after-effects too :-)

on how i wasted my rebate check payment and have nothing to show for it...

except about ten dresses, three pairs of jeans, four shirts and a bathing suit. oh, and i paid to get my credit reports and score so i could do damage control and get my score up to buy a house. (identity theft = the bain of my existence. BURN!) so, just ten days after receiving my $600 check from the government, it's gone. *sigh* i guess the purpose was to stimulate the economy, and that is just what i did.

i spent over $200 at american eagle shopping online, i've gone to ross, tj max and marshalls more than i ever could have imagined, and the boy and i have gone out to a few nice dinners. other than that? NOTHING. i didn't buy the eagles tickets that i wanted, i didn't get a camera, and i didn't buy the ipod i've been meaning to get as an upgrade to my outdated little nano. however? i did enjoy getting to splurge on mothers day for both my mom (who got a 1/2 carat diamond journey necklace) and steves mom (who got an all expenses paid 6 hour day at the spa), i loved getting a mani/ pedi and not having to worry about what i'd have to give up to afford it. oh, and i renewed my membership at the tanning salon because skin cancer is SO in right now. (can you sense the sarcasm there? i thought so.)

point is, i needed to blow that money on frivolous things. i needed to do something nice for ME and not stop to think about what effect it might have on steve, on my future, whatever. it helps that i FINALLY SOLD MY FIRST HOUSE(!!!) and will be getting a commission check for about 3k in exactly one month though. after that all went through, i was like... screw it, i'm blowing this money. so that's just what i did, and it was fun. i don't even feel bad about it, yet.

this check for 3k is coming in and we're getting an apartment or putting it in a high interest savings account to buy a house when we're ready (most likely in the fall). we were talking about it last night and he was like, i don't know if i want to buy something, i don't want to you end up over your head in the winter while i'm away. it was so out of nowhere, him bringing up being away, it kind of took my breath away. i was just figuring that if i didn't bring it up and we didn't talk about it, it would just go away... he'd just forget about it... but, that doesn't seem to be the case.

please help me climb this mountain.

thank you everyone for all your support, kind words and encouragement at a time when i need it more than anything in the world. you are all some of the most amazing people in the world, this i am sure. i'm grateful to have each and everyone of you in my life, and i'm grateful for the privilege of following you in your adventures.

i might be taking a break for a while... i don't really know what to write about anymore without sounding like a complete whiny bitch. i'll probably be back to normal by monday or so, i just need to get myself together a little and try to find a positive perspective on things.

i was trolling around today though, and the latest entry on dooce was hauntingly familiar. i was stunned... and then i sat at my desk and bawled my eyes out. same month, same week, same feeling.

"This week would also have been the 40th week of the pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage last October. Is it morbid that I remember the due date, will always remember the due date? Or that I am so incomprehensibly sad about it still? My life has changed so much since that horrible Wednesday afternoon, and Jon and I have had endless debates and conversations about our future and whether or not we should try for another baby knowing that I might have to go through that again. And if you want to know, we are still undecided. Every time I see someone who is pregnant I get a very weird feeling in my stomach, and I think it's from a wild mixture of feelings, one of loss, one of hope, one of knowing that they are having a tremendously difficult time trying to roll over in bed at night and how exhausted they are in the morning, one of envy that they soon will meet that new little person in their life. I don't think I'll ever be able to see someone who is pregnant and not immediately feel my stomach turn a flip.

Right now I am just barely holding my shit together, and I know that I'll be better to handle these feelings if I could just sleep through the night. I've had insomnia for three straight weeks, and my body is slowly collapsing. This may be one of those many instances when I head back to my therapist and say listen, I'm having a hard time, please help me climb this mountain."

so lately...

i feel like i've been fighting with life and i'm just inches from being it's bitch. theres just so much going on right now, i'm about to have a panic attack just thinking about it. i'm sure in retrospect that it might not seem like that big of a deal, but right now? my mole hill is certainly looking a lot like a mountain.

so, the bf is a 10 on a scale of 1-10 on joining the army. he said if he could go tomorrow, he would. i guess it could always be worse, he wants to just join the reserves and have the potential to decide to do active duty... you know, if he likes it. i'm scared and upset, but mostly for my own selfish reasons. he's been this huge part of my life for four years and honestly? i don't remember who i am without him. he's been by my side through some pretty rough god damn shit, and i can't imagine going MONTHS without having him here with me.

along with his decision to join the army, he has presented me with a few decisions to make as well. he wants these things to happen between now and his estimated ship date of october 9th (yes, this october. pending that all goes well and he scores as anticipated on the ASVAB, he leaves in october.).

-he wants to get a house. either buy one or rent the "spare" one that his family owns.

-he wants to get married. he wants to just get the paperwork done and keep it between the two of us in case anything happens to him and so that i can access his money. then when he gets back and things get back to normal, he wants to do it up right. my issue? now that i'm presented with it, i'm not so sure that's what i want. i feel like my heart lies in too may other places too. not WITH other people necessarily, just not only with him... and isn't that how it's supposed to be? i don't know. i love him so so much... but i don't think i'm strong enough to do the whole military thing.

we've been dealing with an insane amount of coastal flooding. we had a pretty hefty nor'easter slam us on sunday night. out of all the storms i've seen in jersey over the years, this ranks up with the hurricane of 93 or 94 that tore us up big time. the beaches are decimated. two weeks before memorial day in a shore town, that's not a good thing. there was three feet of water on the street where my office is, and then later on in the evening, there was about four feet of water in the center of town. thankfully, my office is fine and my house is fine. winds gusted up to 80mph, and there are trees down and branches laying around all over the place. a tree fell on top of a car that one of the people i work with owns, it's totaled. my office was closed yesterday, and until noon today. power was out until about noon today which was an inconvenience, but it could have been FAR worse.


this is the center of town in sea isle, where i work. that would be a 500lb freezer that FLOATED AWAY. insane, right?



work has been alright, but i'm starting to get antsy... i'm starting to feel trapped and that my friends, is not a good feeling to be having. see, i've been at my job for three years and i am as good at it as i'm going to get. i'm the type of person that thrives on being the best... i love that my office can't really function if i'm not there for more than one day. i love that i matter and that i'm the one that knows everything. but now that i'm in that position, i feel like there's nothing left to learn and that i need to move on. which is why i'm considering going back to school in the fall. i've always wanted to study respiratory therapy and maybe go into the pediatric sector so that i can help kids that deal with what i dealt with for so so long. i know what it's like to be in their shoes, so it would be kind of cool to help them and also be able to say to them "listen, i've been where you are, it's all going to be okay." i have almost half of my pre-req's out of the way, so to get certified, it would only take me about a year and a half. it's going to be expensive, but we'll see. it's something i've always wanted to do and i think i owe it to myself to at least look into it.

lastly, this week has been particularly hard for me, and i'm so sorry i've sucked at returning phone calls and emails, keeping up with blogs and leaving comments. part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and die because i'm THAT SAD. see, back in september (when i had like... 3 people that knew this blog existed,i found out i was pregnant. after what happened last time, i kind of thought that god was giving me a reprieve, a second chance... an opportunity to prove myself. i was scared at first, but then i convinced myself that this was a wonderful thing, and even got excited. then, i got even more excited when i got to look at my baby and confirm that everything is okay. and then, like i feared... life smacked me in the face and god pretty much smited me. it fucking sucks and you know what? i'm STILL NOT OVER IT. i'm sure it was just gods way (or karma) of showing me whos boss. that's what i get for taking matters into my own hands that ONE time. for making a bad call ONE time. point is, i was due on may 17th. i was supposed to get to hold my baby this week and i'm not going to get to do that. i know i'm nowhere near in the position to have a baby, but i also know that it all would have worked out JUST FINE because i would have made myself in the position. it all just makes me so angry and bitter and cynical. i'm a good person. i know plenty of people that aren't good people and they have babies. it was never something that i wanted, and maybe i looked at it as a chance to redeem myself, but i guess we'll never know.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm in a crappy mood this week. i have an infinite amout of shit on my plate and when you throw that in with a heaping pile of emotional baggage? well, that's no bueno.

i just ate easy mac...

and i feel like i'm going to hurl. the boy is apparently taking the ASVAB practice test to join the army. THE ARMY. you know, the one that goes TO WAR. i don't know what to do or what to make of it. i hope he does miserably and then decides against the whole thing so we can move on. he keeps talking about it, mentioning it, bringing it up in conversation after conversation and frankly? i've had enough of it.

the thing that bothers me the most is that i feel like his parents are pushing him into it. i know his mom doesn't agree with it, but i feel like she's excited about it or whatever. i don't want the army to have him, HES MINE.

i'm sick just thinking about all of this and i just don't want to deal with it anymore. he keeps saying that it will help us in the long run, that he will gain some maturity and values out of the whole experience. he's 25, if he hasn't gotten maturity and values yet... well, i don't know what to tell him.

this sucks.

oh the possibilities...

ways i could spend my stimulus check:

-two lower level tickets to see the eagles (is it wrong that i'm a little in love with don henley? i don't think that weird...) for me and my mom, who last saw them live in 1978.

-i could get my car fixed. it needs about $1500 worth of body work from being a hit and run victim in november...

-i could get flyers eastern conference finals tickets.

-go on a serious urban outfitters / anhropologie / ikea binge

-i could save it.

-i could but a DSLR camera and really start to pick up on my photography

-i could buy a guitar and a few lessons

-i could donate it to charity

-i could give it to my mom for letting me live in her house

-i could spend it on a plane ticket to cali to see nicole and a certain man that shall remain nameless memorial weekend (even though nic will be obnoxiously busy... seriously, like that will stop me from showing up at her work with juice (and vodka).

any suggestions? what are YOU doing with YOUR free money? spill it.

proud.

from The Boss's new jersey hall of fame acceptance speech yesterday (and another reason why you should all be jealous you don't live in jersey.):

"Rise up, my fellow New Jerseyans, for we are all members of a confused but noble race. We of the state that will never get any respect, we who bear the cruelness of the forever uncool. A chip on the shoulders of those with forever something to prove. And even with this wonderful hall of fame, we know there's another bad Jersey joke just around the corner.
But fear not, fear not! This is not our curse, it is our blessing. For this is what infused us with our fighting spirit, that we may forever salute the world with our fabulous state bird (as he raises his middle finger). And that the fumes from our great northern industrial area, to the ocean breezes of Cape May, fill us with the raw hunger, the naked ambition and the desire to not just do our best, but stick it in your face.
Theory of relativity, anybody? How about some electric light with your day? Or maybe a spin to the moon and back? That's right. And that is why our fellow Americans in those other 49 states know that when the announcer says, "And now, in this corner, from New Jersey..." they'd better keep their hands up and their heads down, 'cause when that bell rings, we always come out swinging.

God Bless the Garden State."

and? he said cape may. how cool is that? loveeeee it.

exposaroonie

so i just stopped over at exposaroonie to check out their challenge that my lovely bloggy friend has put her amazing self portrait in. um, hi. it's infinitely better then the others, and the prize for this weeks challenge is a camera strap... and she's buying a new camera. so head over and help this lovely lady out people. really.

at a crossroads...

i really am and i don't know what to do about it. i feel like i'm stuck in my relationship, my career, my life... and i don't know how to just push ahead and get past it. it's a shitty feeling to have when you're like me and so used to being the one that has it all together.

the night i was at the concert, steve went out drinking with a bunch of friends. apparently they had quite the night and he ended up falling off the handlebars of a bike and face planting in the street. his lip is so mangled and unbelievably swollen it's disgusting and he is missing one and a half of his two front teeth. to make matters worse, his buddy CALLED AN AMBULANCE. now, i'm sure that wasted things probably looked a lot worse than they were and i mean god, there had to have been blood everywhere. so he got picked up by an ambulance, taken to the hospital and sent home because nothing was wrong with him except he is an idiot.

so we got into a huge fight about how irresponsible it is that he acted that way, how aggravated i get that he can't ever just have a few beers and come the fuck home. he always has to do something stupid or end up somewhere he shouldn't be or whatever. he's 25 years old and sometimes i feel like i'm dating a high schooler. we literally fought for two days straight. i didn't see him for almost four days because we were just straight fighting. i have never, ever in my life been so mad at him that i didn't want to see him. after bickering on the phone for hours last night, i agreed to go pick him up and take him to his truck that has been sitting in the next town over for two days.

you'd think that his first words to me when he got in the car would be "hey, i love you. this is stupid. i'm sorry." then i would say "i love you too and i'm so sorry." but nooooo. his first words? "you like it?" referring to his mangled face. i flew off the handle. we argued teh whole way to get his car and i found out that he planned on missing a day of work (which he wouldn't get paid for) and that HE DIDNT REMEMBER WHERE HE PARKED HIS $35,000 TRUCK. what. i just sat in silence the rest of the drive, dropped him off and then left.

a few minutes later, he called me and wanted to know if i wanted mcdonalds. um, no and i was going back to my house to cry my eyes out, kthxbye. well, a few minutes later, he pulled up at my house and sat outside calling me demanding that i come out and talk to him, so i did. we went for a drive and ended up back at his house where he promptly ignored me for half an hour and ate his mcnuggets. so what's a girl to do? i went upstairs and started packing my shit, that's what. a few minutes later, i heard him coming up the stairs, just like i knew he would.

we started hashing through things again and he asked me to stop packing up and when i asked why, he told me because he loved me. *sigh* so i sat back down and started trying to talk to him. i told him that how he acted was immature and that i was tired of dating a little boy. i told him how i didn't care what his friends were doing, he should have had enough common sense to stop drinking or to just not get on the handlebars of a bike. i told him that after almost four years together, i still felt like we weren't headed anywhere.

as you can imagine, over the course of the two days that we fought, there were a lot of mean things said. i asked him once if he could just work with me and help me fix everything that was wrong and to that, he flat out told me no. he told me that he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't believe in marriage... which i sort of knew but he's talked about it a lot and i thought he was past it. he told me if he did get married it wouldn't be anytime soon... which is FINE by me, but i would at least like to have it in the cards, you know?

i just feel like everything is a complete train wreck right now. he still doesn't see anything wrong with getting as drunk as he did, getting on a bike and getting hurt and then having an ambulance called. according to him, it happened and now we just have to deal with it. moderation is something that will never happen as far as he is concerned and since he only goes out once a week i need to just stop bitching.

please don't tell me i just need to leave him, because that's not what i need to hear. i don't know what i need to hear. i need something. i just don't quite have my finger on what that something is just yet. i know things have to change... i know . all of this is also only part of the story. it was a bad few days and i'm still not over it. yeah, i stayed at his (parents) house last night. yeah, i was nice to him on the phone when he called today to see how my day was going. but i'm still not over it. i'm not over all the things i'm feeling. it all just feels so hopeless.

edit: you know and after four years of being together, i shouldn't feel wrong about wanting to get married or engaged in the next year or two. i shouldn't feel wrong to resent him for living at home. i shouldn't feel bad that i want to buy a house with a guy i love. ughhhhh.

i apologize in advance...

BUT SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS?! (be prepared for porn, but look past it please?!)



http://www.taylorbowrevenge.com/oh-what-a-night

over the past three days...

my diet has consisted of...

a burger king chicken nuggets kids meal with a coke.

a chick fil a chicken sandwich, large waffle fries and a coke.

cheese doodles

half a twix bar

a slice of pizza with chicken fingers and french fries on it

a fried chicken sandwich on garlic ciabatta, french fries and a coke

four townhouse filp-sides crackers and easy cheese

a slice of pizza

more rum, vodka and miller lite than i care to think about at this juncture in my life...

and now? i'm drinking a special k protein water because my digestives system HATES ME. i'm planning on having a turkey sandwich and pretzels for lunch. yes. if i didn't hurt all over so bad, i would run a few miles today. maybe tomorrow.

side note: i really hate that i obsess over what i eat so much. i was drunk for 2/3 of what i ate in that list, but i feel like i need to starve myself for the next week and a half to make up for it. ughhh.

oh what a night.

i'm proud to say that i made it into and out of the ghetto that is allentown, pa. alive. if you're not impressed, you fucking should be because that shit was SCARY. i know you've all dying to hear my recap of the event (and how i met them) but first? i want to start off with a few things:

i wish i could tell you that i saw more than 30 seconds of kate voegele, but i didn't. i wish i could tell you that i made my little way backstage and we're now bffs, but i can't. while i DID get back stage to meet her, i'm an idiot and let her WALK RIGHT BY ME. i was wasted, so give me a little credit. i will tell you that i know without a doubt that she has really nice hair BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I SAW. ugh.

i would love to be able to tell you that i have pictures of me with isaac, taylor and zac, but i don't. my best friend abandoned me and well, she had the camera... so there are no photographs of the goodness that is hanson. (ladies, they are every bit as adorable in person as you think they are going to be.)

i would love to tell you that i stopped drinking after i finished the GALLON of bay breezes i mixed for myself, but that's just not possible either because i definitely didn't stop there. or after the three shots, four MORE bay breezes and three miller lites (that i stole...). i will tell you that lemon drops shots are so not worth the hangover.

i'd like to tell you that i didn't enjoy pizza that had french fries and chicken fingers on it, but MY GOD people, it was so unbelievably delicious. i'm sure i would never touch the stuff with less than a blood alcohol level of 2%, but you know... at the time it seemed like a good idea. i came home and ran three miles on the treadmill.

so now, the main event... the story of the night! wooo! we ended up getting caught in an insane amount of traffic on the way there, so a drive that would have normally taken an hour and a half took three hours (no bueno). we ended up making it into allentown aka the ghetto at around 5:30 and didn't get to start drinking until 6 because we had to track down a can opener and ice, which is easier said than done my good friends... at least in allentown.

so now we've got to get changed, get hot (as if it would take much? ha.) AND get drunk in the span of an hour. ummm. we were totally up for the challenge. we used our nifty water jugs to down obscene amounts of rum in a very small amount of time and headed down to the crocodile rock. we get there and the line was AROUND THE BLOCK. wtf. these bitches love their hanson. so we decide that rather than wait in line like losers, we'll go back to the hotel and finish the rum. sounded like a good idea at the time. (mind you, the whole time we're walking the four blocks to and from the hotel we're being honked at, whistled at and propositioned by pimps. it was some scary shit.)

so we go back to the hotel, mix some more drinks, relax for a few and then walk back. the line was much shorter (thank god) and we managed to make some new friends! there were two girls behind us that we hit it off with and ended up hanging out with the whole night, it was great. so we get inside and we figured it would be fun to start the night off with a lemon drop. greaaaat. by the time we make it into the venue, we caught the last thirty seconds of kate voegele. i'm pissed, so naturally... i needed a drink.

somewhere in between getting a drink and trying to find a bathroom that was semi sanitary, i ran into a semi-cute security guard. SCORE! (sidenote: i've never been to a concert where i didn't get backstage...) to my luck, he starts talking to me (that was easy) and hooking us UP. the stephen kelogg band came on next, but that was news to my drunk ass because i spent the next half hour thinking they were hanson (since when did hanson get a tuba player?) and was all sorts of upset when they announced their last song and it wasn't mmmbop. (thank you friends for clearing up the misunderstanding for me!) they were pretty good though!

after that set (and a few more drinks, a shot and two miller lites) things started to get a litttttle fuzzy. i do remember them singing mmmbop, and i remember FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT. seriously guys. i highly recommend this concert of you are my age because oh my god. they did a few new songs and then before i knew it my security lover was guiding me and my ladies up front! love itttttt. we watched the rest of the concert from ten feet away. i could have died... i mean TAYLOR HANSON! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! SQUEEEEEE!!!!! must. remain. calm.

they played a bunch of old songs ( "i will come to you", "if only" "this time around") and i was in heaven. it was about this time of the night that i realized i was standing up front ALONE. wtf. everyone i knew was gone and i was ALONE. i panicked for a minute and then went to look for my friend, no luck. as it turned out, the pizza guy (who was feeding us fricken french fry pie and chicken fingers all night for free) turned out to be one of my admirers, so he let me use his phone and he got me a bottle of water. (how sweet) my friend doesnt answer so instead of panicking i had the pizza guy back his phone and tell him no luck. he told me not to walk back to the hotel by myself and if i wait, he will walk me back. (remember, ghetto.)

so i go back up front and catch the rest of the show. imagine my surprise when my security guy (his name was kenney, yes with an e) grabs me and tells me this is their last song and if i want to meet them to head over behind stage. WHAAAAAT! (and i don't have my camera! my girlfriend was in charge of that all night! ahhhhh!!!!) so i go back there and when they come off stage i give them each a hug and shake their hands, say great show and that was that.

OH MY GODDDD they are the most adorable people i have ever seen in my lifeeee! every bit as cute as my thirteen year old self remembered and every bit as talented. where i was standing off to the side of the stage, i couldn't help but notice that taylor has HUGE feet. maybe it's just me. whatever. you know what they say about guys with big feet don't ya?!

well, i was too nervous to propose so it looks like i'm stuck with steve, which i mean... is fine i guess. (ha)

now, pictures.

just a little excited, don't you think?


keeping it classy with my pink mini keg o rum.


all the essentials.


yay new friends!


the barback totally said we could have these. (he really did...)


getting into it, obvi.


this is my "i just stole four beers and didn't get caught" face. because i seriously stole no less than twelve beers. i just reached over into the ice bucket, grabbed em and drank em. i don't know how we didn't get tossed out.


sloppy? me? noooooo.


i felt bad for this chick, she had to sit downstairs and make sure none of the drunks caused trouble. this is me telling her i'm going to bring her back a vodka soda.


after bringing her her vodka soda! (i'm awesome.)


dancing! it seemed appropriate...


i'm not sure if i was making a puppy face or a kissy face. thoughts? hahaha.


my security friend / stalker. (seriously. my friend gave him MY NUMBER.)


HANSON!!!!


ZACS HEAD!!!!


HANSON!!! (from the back. hey, we needed refills...)


back upfront and TEN FEET FROM TAYLOR!!!! gah. swoon.


d-runkkkk. end of the night, wasted and sweaty.

edit: i forgot one little detail. i ended up walking the five blocks back to the hotel BY MYSELF. i was pretty much resolved to the fact that my life was going to end on the cod dark streets of allentown. thankfully, it didn't, but it almost did.

so, i'm walking my drunk ass back (alone) and this crazy black guy in a huge ass hoodie comes running up to me. i turn like expecting to see him running to like... a friend or something? i don't know. but he doesn't, and he runs up to me, grabs me, shakes me and then runs away. WHAT. i screamed bloody murder. the girls that were a little ways up ahead of me? they just stared. um... a little help?

mmmbop.

with three m's in front of the bop. i remember at least that much from my childhood, that's for sure. sorry for the lack of posting, worklife has been hectic to say the least. BUT! in ohhh... twenty minutes or so, i'm heading out to buy copious amounts of rum and head up to deptford to pick up my best friend and then head to allentown where we are going to drink said rum and then go see HANSON! i'm so excited i think i could DIE. do you think taylor would leave his wife for me? hmmm.

my thirteen year old self is FLIPPING OUT right now. so. excited.

a few things...

-it seems the camera adds ten pounds, but only when the pictures are taken via blackberry. i'm not even joking...i can't get over the fat face thing!

-my hair is doing this fantastic wave thing... i'm not even lying. it seriously looked this way when i got out of bed this morning, and the only thing i did outside my normal routine was to put biosilk on it when it was wet and then just let it air dry. the picture does it no justice.



and you know... i may or may not have taken that picture while driving. and the fat face thing? ugh.

-i'm seriously stressed out / overwhelmed at work today. we got THREE new agents yesterday and that has added to my workload considerably and i am NOT happy.

-i'm going to see hanson and kate voegele in ten days!!!!!!!!! freak out.

-i don't have a day off for ten days. NOT freak out.

-just out of curiosity... if you were to pick a favorite dinosaur and your choices were a T-Rex or a brachiosaurus... what would you pick and why? this is going to come back in an upcoming blog... i just want to see if the world sides with me or i'm just insane... which you know, could be the case. whatever though, i'm still awesome. (riiiight.)

-lastly? GO FLYERS! yes.

listen to...

kate voegele "kindly unspoken". i'm. in. love.

she reminds me of vanessa carlton (who i was OBSESSED with senior year and into college...) but better. way, way better.

girl crush? i think so.

all that i love...

i love driving by myself. i love listening to my music loud and singing even louder. i love driving fast with the windows rolled down. i love the way the wind pushes my hair back off my face. i love laughing until my face hurts.

i love waking up in the morning next and realizing it's not time to get up just yet. i love hitting the snooze button. i love hitting the snooze button just one more time. i love when i love kisses on my forehead. i love holding hands.

i love being short. i love that even though i complain about it, it's my favorite thing about me. i love getting pedicures and i love french manicured toes. i love reality tv, even though it rots my brain.

i love blogging and all the good things it's brought to my life. i love that i still get excited when i get a text message or have a missed call. i love to cook. i love making breakfast for a huge crowd and getting compliments on how amazing everything is.

i love getting into a freshly made bed and cuddling up under the covers. i love sleeping alone almost as much as i love sleeping with someone because it means i don't have to share the blankets. i love my laptop. i love that when i walk to work in the morning i can hear the waves crashing on the beach. i love the first chilly night of the summer and the way that cool air feels on sunburned skin.

i love the way the warm sand feels on my feet. i love catching that first wave of the summer where i don't have to wear a wetsuit. i love the smell of surf wax. i love my trusty pair of worn down, broken in rainbows. i love summer barbecues with friends. i love an icy cold corona with lots of lime.

i love picking out all the red and orange sour patch kids. i love the way they make your tongue hurt if you eat too many. i love malibu bay breezes when they are made just right (heavy on the pineapple). i love lazy sunday afternoons spent going out to breakfast and eating way too much french toast. i love snuggling up in a warm quilt next to a fireplace in december.

i love when my favorite song comes on the radio. i love being in love and discovering new things every day. i love smiling until my face hurts. i love laughing until i tear up and my abs hurt. i love a good cup of coffee (extra light & extra sweet) in my favorite mug. i love watching old home movies and remembering what it was like to not have a care in the world.

i love cutting out of work a few hours early and going shopping. i love girls nights. i love picnics on a spring day. i love new friends. i love when my hair cooperates with me and i love when i can pull it all together with a great outfit. i love emails saying i have a new comment. i love when i find a new blog and can't stop reading. i love LOVE getting handwritten letters and unexpected packages. i love how i get excited when i get a package even though it's something i ordered myself. i love getting flowers.

i love the first warm day in spring when i can FINALLY go down to the beach and relax. i love getting a new tattoo and the adrenaline rush that goes along with it. i love singing. i love pretending that MAYBE i'm as good as idina menzel and i'm still young enough to hit it big on broadway. i love bubble baths.

i love renting a completely ridiculous car (like a bmw convertable) for the day and just taking a road trip. i love making things with my hands. i love complete silence. i love that making this list is making me realize how AMAZING my life is and how lucky i am. i love spluging on myself when i know i shouldn't be.

i love stopping to take a minute and smell the roses (figuratively). i love waking up, and feeling like the day is filled with possibilities. i love stepping on the scale and seeing that it's gone down just a teensy bit more. i love how when that same scale goes up just a bit, i can blame it on the margeritas... then smile, remind myself it was SO worth it and be happy with myself.

i love to be spontaneous. i love a good hug. i love drunk blogging!!! i love seeing a live show. i love hockey and i love danny breire. i love giving advice. i love getting advice from good friends that just want the best for me. i love that i started this list eleven days ago and i'm JUST NOW finishing it. i love that i love so many things that it took me forever to make this list. i love smiling until my face hurts. i love being me.

stay classy.

how exactly do you follow a post like that up exactly? i've been putting it off all day because it's sort of like the walk of shame... i was twittering drunk, i was blogging drunk, it was a long night my friends.

it started harmlessly enough with margaritas, but you know what? about half way through the night (aka 8pm) i decided that those margaritas just weren't doing the trick so i went for the straight up tequila. ohhhh and not just cuervo. i was proclaimed that it was only the best and started knocking back shots of patron, chasing them with coronas. i justified this by saying "they're both mexican... it will be alright!" bad. just... bad.

i got into a fight with steve because he was acting like a complete asshat, and that lead to me calling it a night early to go home, blog, twitter and then text message with someone that i shouldn't have been texting with. gah.

today? i'm 150% MAN DOWN. all i want is to eat wendys (ooooh frosty. FRENCH FRIES! ahhh.) and crawl into bed because daylight is burning my retinas. it's 1:38 at the current moment and i have oh... 3 hours and 20 minutes left in this hell. damn it.

i have thoroughly neglected my google reader and it currently stands at 1000+ unread items. it gives me a panic attack just thinking about it, so i'm going with the trusty "mark all as read" button... forgive me.

i hope you got a few laughs in at my expense last night whether you are following me around on twitter (which you should be, i'm hilarious.) or just caught the entry down below, because seriously. the first thing i thought about when my alarm went of at an ungodly 7:30 this morning? OH MY GODDDD I DID NOT BLOG DRUNK.

i'm sure inquiring minds want to know if i have plans to delete that post, and the answer is of course, no. fuck no. it's hilarious.